Something Good this way Comes

Really, with all of the strange and sadly balanced acts of that weekend, falling back into the Klamath River is the only thing I remember without trying... not the walking away from the crowd in the 110 plus heat to splash into the water, nor the playing with Gary in the shallows before I walked out to the middle.
It's just the leaning back, the surrender that revisits me. that resonates.
I am still amazed by the feeling of awe and confusion that reigns... I am amazed that I can retain the feeling of wonder and pure wondering at where those words could have come from - they so literally came to me,
Something good this way Comes
as I was falling out of that blazingly hot blue sky into the startling cold of the river,
and I still don't know why.
I hadn't seen any reference to
Something Wicked this way Comes recently, and I certainly hadn't been thinking it... I was making the best of the saddest of times - Marley was not newly dead by then, but this camping party of sobbing song and celebration scrubbed the loss all fresh and spanking new again... add to that Steve's lazily wicked bad mood and heavy drinking to sleep with at night and I guess
really
there wasn't anywhere else to land on that crazy heat-stroking mirage of a day but with the hope of something good coming on the wings of spreading my arms out wide in escape from the fire and
grief
underwater.
To let go, fall back with such a conscious intention
without intending to,
was such an act of sanity,
I think I am still waiting to feel the weight lifted off of me by the clarity of the moment.

Why does that still make me so sad? WAS there something more I was supposed to get from that moment? I feel
yes
I am still to fulfill, to find, to feel the
something good
and I still don't know the way.
or the this.
or even the good.

It feels like lazy and wicked is all I can seem to muster. all I know.
wicked. No, that's not quite right.
not wicked evil. wicked frustrated, wicked fed the fuck up with suffering. wicked cornered.
I feel like I need to be helicoptered to a safe place, like a moose or bear that has been foraging too closely to a village. I've gotten a taste for food I don't have to chase and now I'm dangerous.
Just strap that pulley around my belly, drug me up enough so I won't struggle during the trip, and drop me off in a valley of my own.
I promise I'll leave your garbage alone.